Hilary stumps her outfits and me for a creative title

photo credit: People

Hilary is usually my girl when it comes to dressing. She is always put together well, and never in a slutty, sloppy, Lindsay Lohan kind of way. I think it's cute that she's dating a hockey player (hockey player, right? Or is it some other toothless sport?) Anyway, the point is, she uh..didn't score a point with this outfit. PROPORTIONS, PEOPLE. The shirt should be shorter, or the shorts should be longer. I don't care which one you choose, Duff, but choose before your earrings meet up with your top.

Also, Big in '08: matching flowers to your outfit

Denise does Daytime

photo credit: People

Denise, First of all, you're on TRL. You know, that show that airs on MTV for teenagers? They generally don't have anyone over the age of 25 on the show, so what are you doing there? More importantly, what are you doing wearing that hat out in public? JLo tried the floppy beach hat years ago, and Indiana Jones has been working them since, well, Indiana was around-but that does not give you an excuse to try the same. Maybe you haven't made it to the salon to get your roots touched up because you're too busy being a divorcee, but come on, give me a bandana or something.

Fergadissious

photo credit: People

Fergie wore this to perform in Disneyland. THOSE TIGHTS, Y'ALL. Those spandex/latex/shiny numbers are only acceptable on female hipsters holding a can of Sparks with an emaciated boyfriend hanging on their arm while he plays with his ironic mustache. Even then, I wonder how American Apparel can sell as many as they do. All I ask is that next time, can you at least cover up your fergalicious bits with a longer t-shirt? I mean, there are children present, missy.

Charpleeeease Throne

"Oh god, I'm running so late, I had nothing to wear, so I stopped and grabbed a toilet seat cover and some spray paint to make me look even more like a purple daffodil. I'm so sorry I didn't even have time to read the lipstick label- Did I put on Corpsy Copper again? Dammit, blame it on Stuart. He had me Trapped inside all day."

Underage Droolage

photo credit: People

OH MY GOD THE JONAS BROTHERS! Breathe Ella, breathe. Not only do these three brothers control the minds of every girl from the age of 10 to 15, but they control this old hag's brain too. When I'm not blogging, these are my thoughts: I wonder if the Jonas brothers like vespas, too. I wonder if the Jonas brothers prefer ketchup or mustard. Oh, maybe mayonnaise? I wonder if the Jonas brothers wear boxer briefs. I wonder if that last thought could land me in jail. Anyway, the point is, these cuties are the best dressed men in the business. I want to shake the hand of whoever dresses them and also get him or her to put in a good word with whichever one will get me the least amount of jail time. 

Met Gala Madness

all photos credited to: People

Giselle, thank you for the side boob flash. Now I can die happy. 

Oh look, Rachel Bilson arrived. Her bangs are her date this year.

Becks and Posh, straight from my mother's closet in the eighties. That lace number looks strangely familiar to an article of clothing I strutted around the house in when I was about Posh's size. Except in my case, I wore it because my mother was giving her dress away to Goodwill the next day.

Okay, we get it. Long, loose, blonde curls + Red lipstick + White dress = glamourous. Marilyn covered this years ago, stylists.

Can I just say I was surprised to see Christina Ricci look so stunning? This dress hits her in all the right places; A sweetheart cut is perfect for her petite shape. I hear she didn't stick around for dinner, though. I guess her zipper would have busted and shot across the room and gotten tangled in Bilson's bangs. Thanks for taking one for the team, Tina.

Ohh Blakey, I love you in Gossip Girl. I screamed at the television Monday night because you are so stupid sometimes, but that is not the point. A classic black dress with a twist=perfect for you. Your height is so beautiful, I'm so pleased that Ralph Lauren played it up with that gorgeous feather detailing. Oh and the black gloves! Ah, I covet them. Feel free to mail them to me. (Also: inclue Penn Badgley in the package.)

Girls do the Cam Cam

photo credit: People

The photographer caught P. Diddy farting, let's just cut to the chase. Clearly he had something for dinner that did not agree with his stomach, and just when he thought it was safe to release, Cameron Diaz shows up with a case of the 11 year old Myspace face. I'm not technically allowed to make fun of her yet because of her family's loss, but I just could not resist.  So open up those nostrils, Cam, Take a big wiff of Puff.

Mayor Mayer

Faithful Readers, I apologize for not updating yesterday. I was jet-setting (Southwest airlines) to a tropical location (Nashville) and had zero internet time in-between. Without further adieu..

photo credit: People

John, I have some questions. The caption underneath this photo said, "John Mayer steps out of a Hollywood salon debuting a new 'do." Where did you go, Trimminz by Tony Danza? Your hair was so ratty, fluffy and jew-y years ago. What happened? Did Jessica Simpson convert you to CHI products too? Okay fine, I'll just concentrate on your cute sunglasses and typical V-neck instead.