Shield your eyes!

Skeeze alert: HIGH

Just had to elevate it on account of Reese's piece of man candy. 

I would put my horse's blinders on too if that thing was on the loose. 

(Love you SJP)

I'm verklempt

photo credit: People

Discuss.

Momsen and her Mane

photo credit: InStyle

Taylor Momsen was invited to fashion week. Aww how cute. She's so young, and so oblivious. Honey, what kind of gum did they put in your hair? I recommend not using Bubblelicious next time and maybe getting some extensions. I was so bothered by your weave that I didn't even notice you had PANTS ON UNDER A DRESS. I'll pray that they're just heavy leggings. Not to mention your dress looks like something my great Aunt LouAnn bought at Cato thinking it was "hip" and a "dazzlin color." Tay Tay, better luck next year. 

Ready when you are!

photo credit: People

"Oh my gawd y'all! They didn't tell me it was time for my sidewalk dental exam! Okay okay, I'll just like, open up wide right here, is that okay? I think I have a cavity over to the left, yeah, over there, do you see it? I am just in love with my tongue scraper, can't y'all tell? It's like, part of my everyday routine now! This light in my mouth sure has gotten brighter since last time!"

So everyone dresses well on holidays?

Ella has been searching for something shiteous to blog about for a few days now. What gives? Do you people wear your best outfits when celebrating American pride? I was expecting someone to slip up and at least wear something with some stars and stripes, but not even Speidi Montatt pranced around in red, white or blue. 

Hang in there with me, readers. I'll soon find suitable material. 

Paris Men's Fashion Week made me drool

I want you all to meet my new boyfriend. Ella loves the dapper, sleek

tailoring and perfectly coiffed hair. Thank you Moschino for

introducing me to this cutie.

Also: This look is big in '08.

Kelly Kapowski, young high school hottie, workin' the suspenders and bikini like it's her job.

Kiki,

photo credi: People

Two words: Soap. Water. 

photo credit: People

This picture made me howl with laughter when I came across it. Taylor Hicks loves the Jonas brothers? Okay whoa, I thought I was being a bit molesty with my love for underage boys, but at least I only have an internet crush on them. Taylor, you're scaring me. Next time I see a photo of you I bet you'll be shopping for sparkly flare jeans at Limited Too, won't you? Oh and P.S., Shutter shades in the back? Aren't the shutters supposed to go all the way down the frame? Just wondering.

Pheast on this Phallic photo

photo credit: People

Cute bottoms, Kim. Not bottom, but bottoms. For once someone isn't going to talk about your huge butt on a blog. Thanks for keeping your bondage bracelet on after a quickie with Reggie White. It really matches your outfit, so why not flaunt a little kinky jewelry, hoochie mamma? What's lil sis wearing though? An animal print jumper? No, sorry Khloe I'm not in to gymboree garments just yet, please try again.

Do ya chain hang low, Drew?

photo credit: People

"Alright, yeah, I'll give my fans a quick wave and a smirk, whatever to get them off my back about these gold chains. SO WHAT, I like when they wobble to tha flo, haters. Good thing I wore this stupid scarf on my head so I can take it off and whip these suckers with it at anytime. Whoa, wait is that Uncle Jesse in front of me?"

Mariah still needs help in wardrobe, sadly.

photo credit: People

Mariah, I'm going to pull you from the game and put in the second string pitcher. Mainly because your outfit is shiteous. Would you please stop dressing like you're still filming Glitter? Looking like you shop at DEB is not acceptable for a star like yourself. I'll let you keep the Hello Kitty room in your apartment, but you're a married woman now-not 13 years old. Time to grow up and stop dressing like a chonga.

Hilary stumps her outfits and me for a creative title

photo credit: People

Hilary is usually my girl when it comes to dressing. She is always put together well, and never in a slutty, sloppy, Lindsay Lohan kind of way. I think it's cute that she's dating a hockey player (hockey player, right? Or is it some other toothless sport?) Anyway, the point is, she uh..didn't score a point with this outfit. PROPORTIONS, PEOPLE. The shirt should be shorter, or the shorts should be longer. I don't care which one you choose, Duff, but choose before your earrings meet up with your top.

Also, Big in '08: matching flowers to your outfit

Denise does Daytime

photo credit: People

Denise, First of all, you're on TRL. You know, that show that airs on MTV for teenagers? They generally don't have anyone over the age of 25 on the show, so what are you doing there? More importantly, what are you doing wearing that hat out in public? JLo tried the floppy beach hat years ago, and Indiana Jones has been working them since, well, Indiana was around-but that does not give you an excuse to try the same. Maybe you haven't made it to the salon to get your roots touched up because you're too busy being a divorcee, but come on, give me a bandana or something.

Fergadissious

photo credit: People

Fergie wore this to perform in Disneyland. THOSE TIGHTS, Y'ALL. Those spandex/latex/shiny numbers are only acceptable on female hipsters holding a can of Sparks with an emaciated boyfriend hanging on their arm while he plays with his ironic mustache. Even then, I wonder how American Apparel can sell as many as they do. All I ask is that next time, can you at least cover up your fergalicious bits with a longer t-shirt? I mean, there are children present, missy.

Charpleeeease Throne

"Oh god, I'm running so late, I had nothing to wear, so I stopped and grabbed a toilet seat cover and some spray paint to make me look even more like a purple daffodil. I'm so sorry I didn't even have time to read the lipstick label- Did I put on Corpsy Copper again? Dammit, blame it on Stuart. He had me Trapped inside all day."

Underage Droolage

photo credit: People

OH MY GOD THE JONAS BROTHERS! Breathe Ella, breathe. Not only do these three brothers control the minds of every girl from the age of 10 to 15, but they control this old hag's brain too. When I'm not blogging, these are my thoughts: I wonder if the Jonas brothers like vespas, too. I wonder if the Jonas brothers prefer ketchup or mustard. Oh, maybe mayonnaise? I wonder if the Jonas brothers wear boxer briefs. I wonder if that last thought could land me in jail. Anyway, the point is, these cuties are the best dressed men in the business. I want to shake the hand of whoever dresses them and also get him or her to put in a good word with whichever one will get me the least amount of jail time. 

Met Gala Madness

all photos credited to: People

Giselle, thank you for the side boob flash. Now I can die happy. 

Oh look, Rachel Bilson arrived. Her bangs are her date this year.

Becks and Posh, straight from my mother's closet in the eighties. That lace number looks strangely familiar to an article of clothing I strutted around the house in when I was about Posh's size. Except in my case, I wore it because my mother was giving her dress away to Goodwill the next day.

Okay, we get it. Long, loose, blonde curls + Red lipstick + White dress = glamourous. Marilyn covered this years ago, stylists.

Can I just say I was surprised to see Christina Ricci look so stunning? This dress hits her in all the right places; A sweetheart cut is perfect for her petite shape. I hear she didn't stick around for dinner, though. I guess her zipper would have busted and shot across the room and gotten tangled in Bilson's bangs. Thanks for taking one for the team, Tina.

Ohh Blakey, I love you in Gossip Girl. I screamed at the television Monday night because you are so stupid sometimes, but that is not the point. A classic black dress with a twist=perfect for you. Your height is so beautiful, I'm so pleased that Ralph Lauren played it up with that gorgeous feather detailing. Oh and the black gloves! Ah, I covet them. Feel free to mail them to me. (Also: inclue Penn Badgley in the package.)

Girls do the Cam Cam

photo credit: People

The photographer caught P. Diddy farting, let's just cut to the chase. Clearly he had something for dinner that did not agree with his stomach, and just when he thought it was safe to release, Cameron Diaz shows up with a case of the 11 year old Myspace face. I'm not technically allowed to make fun of her yet because of her family's loss, but I just could not resist.  So open up those nostrils, Cam, Take a big wiff of Puff.

Mayor Mayer

Faithful Readers, I apologize for not updating yesterday. I was jet-setting (Southwest airlines) to a tropical location (Nashville) and had zero internet time in-between. Without further adieu..

photo credit: People

John, I have some questions. The caption underneath this photo said, "John Mayer steps out of a Hollywood salon debuting a new 'do." Where did you go, Trimminz by Tony Danza? Your hair was so ratty, fluffy and jew-y years ago. What happened? Did Jessica Simpson convert you to CHI products too? Okay fine, I'll just concentrate on your cute sunglasses and typical V-neck instead.

The Barton Bathroom tile collection

photo credit:People

"Oh...hey guuuys..okay, yeaaah, I guess I'll pose for a second. But I really don't have time to do this, my new butterface rockstar boyfriend is waiting for me in some bathroom somewhere so we can shoot up together, so could you like, hurry it along? Do you like my dress? I made someone who borrowed my needle pay me back in bathroom tiles and shower curtains, and I like have those already, so I made this. Heeey, I know you guys like, shoot photos but do you ever like, shoot up?"

Red, White Lies, and Blue

photo credit: People

First of all, let's forget the obvious question of, "WHY are these two famous?" and save ourselves some breast. I mean breath. Ahem, let's review: Navy polo on Spencer, check. Red hoodie, check. White shorts with matching white shoes on Heidi, check. Matching mini-flags, check check. But tell me, they are standing perfectly in front of the Washington Monument, "caught in the moment" of kissing, and we're supposed to believe they didn't call their favorite paparazzi crew to cash in on this horrific display of American pride? Come on Speidi, you have reached a monumental level of desperate.

Tall glass of water Thursday

photo credit:People

HALLELUJAH MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED! The suit and tie are making a comeback. After years of shoving pictures of Sinatra under men's noses saying, "Dress like this, please!" and calling their mothers to scold them for letting their sons leave the house in Umbros and PCB '94 Spring Break tanks, men are finally getting the message. Suits are hot! Skinny ties, In! Wingtips have an intoxicating clicking heel! Not to mention, what man doesn't find it hot to wake up to his woman in his crisp white oxford? All this talk is giving this blogger hope.  I'm off to wander the streets for ole blue eyes.

Hillary does well in the primaries, but not in wardrobe

photo credit: The Cut

Hill Girl, let's talk. Congrats on doing well in the Pennsylvania primary, I'm proud of you. But, may I ask who is dressing you? Aw bless their little heart, they just don't know. This turquoise blazer is hitting you at the widest part of your hips. Albeit, you are wearing slimming black slacks (yes, they're slacks, clearly not just pants.) Not only is your jacket cut all wrong and looking slightly cheap, you had to go and put that matching necklace with it. I think we decided jewelry no longer has to match the outfit back in like, '98. Granted, you weren't concerned about matching jewelry at the time, but your wardrobe consultant should bring you up to speed. Good Talk, Hill. 

Oh, and if you just so happen to win, how about we forget this talk ever happened, okay? I mean who am I to tell you what to wear, most powerful woman in the world?

Manniston and Man Candy

photo credit: People

Manniston is not the first celeb to come to mind when the word fashionable is mentioned, but I just couldn't resist talking about these overalls. Apparently in France circa last April, overalls and coveralls were so en vogue et chic. I, along with Manniston, have embraced the fact that overalls aren't for Farmer Ted anymore. She paired hers with a simple white tank and braided belt- so effortless. But, I do have a problem. Jen is holding a denim jacket in her hand. Does that mean she was wearing DOUBLE DENIM? Ditch the jacket, keep the Owen, K Jen?

Balenciaga Baffles this Blogger

When I first saw this picture, I did a double take. The proportions are so odd- broad shoulders, cinched waist, bubble hips. I think Jennifer Connelly sleeps in this thing, honestly. Every time I turn around she has it on with a different pair of shoes. The more I look at it, the more I think she's kind of working it. She's giving waif cookie on the right a run for her money, yes?

Also, speaking of proportions, can someone get me the number of his tailor?

I said NO NO NO to birth control?

photo credit: People

WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO LET THE WINO BABYSIT? No really, she can't even hold a baby properly. Baby boy, don't touch Auntie Amy's crackne! Play in her beehive instead and report back on what is lodged in there. (I speculate a crack pipe, and maybe even an extra pair of ballet flats.)

Age of Consentizzle

photo credit: CMT.com

Let us honorizzle Taylor Swiftizzle for her achizzlementz and suchizzle on the Countrizzle Music Televizzle. Now get me outizzle of this silly ass hatizzle.

Debra Downer

Deb, 

photo credit: People

Honey I know sometimes red heads are called names like firecrotch and ginger, but that is no reason to cover your head with your dinner napkin. The dress fits you so nicely! You avoided looking completely flat chested! The sash matches the bag! So many things to praise, except for that damn napkin on your head and napkin rings in your ears. Go back to the table, finish your meal, then Grace us with your presence.